Jan 22, 2022

 Hey Cyndi,

Good Lord I miss you. Today is Saturday. We went out to Dave and Busters last night to let the kids let out some steam. I think they had a lot of fun. I will freely admit, I cried a lot. I was sitting there in the booth while the kids were running around burning money just sobbing like a 12 year old after getting dumped. I managed to pull it together and ran around and played games with the kids. It was cute watching the boys all play air hockey together. It would have made you smile.

This morning has been terrible. I just keep falling apart. I got up at 4 AM, I had a stuffy nose from crying in my sleep. Today and this past Monday have been the worst and they were the days I had no plans. When I sit here alone is when I really lose it. I look at your picture and I cry. I open Facebook and I cry. I got some lunch and I cried. I don't know how long this is going to last but it does not appear to be easing anytime soon. I know you would not want to see me like this and I tell myself that, but it doesn't really matter.

I am still not quite sure how the kids are doing. I think the twins are doing OK, you were in the hospital so much toward the end, I think it helped them. Carson keeps everything so close. I got home the other day from dropping him off at school and saw he had filled out our calendar and puts hearts on the day you passed and the day of your service. I burst into tears. I can't imagine the pain they must feel right now and I don't really know how to get it out of them. Becks wears his heart on his sleeve and I can see his pain. It is easier for me to manage but it is awful all the same.

I am going to go back to work on Monday. I am not sure how I will do. The house will be empty, just me and your picture. I suspect I will spend most of the day talking to you.  Feel free to shoot some advice my way. I wish I worked at a job lugging rocks or something. It would be easier if I had something physical to do. 

I hope the sun is shining wherever you are. Its cold here, I am glad that you are not cold any more. I will write more next week. 

I love you. I miss you.