So due to the terrible circumstances of last week, I found myself at home with 4 kids, 2 dogs, and 0 domestic partners. For your joy I will now recount the struggle of the week, using a random day as a template for the goodness (since they were all pretty much the same). I will not spare you the details.
Cyndi got up at the ass crack of dawn to head to the airport. I helped her out to the car, kissed her goodbye and went inside for breakfast.
6:00 AM the twins are already starting to get up. I love the way they wake up. Most of us drag ourselves from our beds and force ourselves to start our days. The twins wake up like they are at a rave and are somewhere between their 14th and 15th redbull. Straight out of bed and they just start banging on the walls and the door. This is your signal that the day is about to begin whether you are ready or not.
I get the twins downstairs, find them a show, and get them started on breakfast. Breakfast was usually a waffle and a cup of water, so the dog got half a waffle every morning. I had about 30 mins of time with just the twins before it was time to wake up the older kids. I tried to be gentle, and wake them slowly. I would rub their back and tell them it was time to wake up. I usually had to make 3 trips back to the room before Becks actually got out of bed. It helped if I had a football or ninja shirt ready for him to wear.
At this point we are all dressed, kids are eating. I am checking lunch boxes, backpacks, shoes and socks. I am combing hair (not my own - sad face from bald guy), and barking at the boys to brush their teeth. You would think the toothbrushes are made out of steel wool the way they try to get out of brushing their teeth. Time for the last check. OK. Out the door.
Everybody to the van. The twins sprint to the van like I run after the beer cart on a hot day of golfing. They open the door and climb in, do they get in their seat? Nope! Straight to the front, the drivers seat to turn on the lights, turn signals, honk the horn, and do their very best to throw the van in drive. Grab the twins to throw them in their seats as we are now 5 minutes off the pace to get to school on time. But wait... what is this gift the twins have given me. Its a double face-melter brown bomb! AWESOME! Sprint back in side to change diapers. Both twins are now screaming at me. I am elbow deep in diaper as the second twin has ran outside and is dancing in the street. As I yell at Carson to watch his brother, he comes inside to tell me Grant is outside. Yes... Carson... I know... Sprint back outside to load the van. Yes Carson, you can start the engine.
Get to school, load up the twins and head for class. At this point I get a very snarky comment from a teacher about how the twins are dressed. If I had wanted your opinion, I would have asked! And while I realize it is Northern California, please note that 60 degrees is not cold.
Get to class, drop off Becks, drop off Carson. Back to the van and head to the house. time to try to get some work done. Getting work done with the twins running around is not the easiest task. Every 5 minutes one of them would pull on my pants leg for "drink" or "cwackers" or "chips". The best part of the week had to be when I was on a teleconference with the line muted of course. Someone asked me a question, I carefully unmuted my line to answer, and right at that specific moment one of the twins lets out "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH". I am told those in the meeting got a kick out of it. I am sure it will be noted on my year end evaluation. After 3 hours of struggling to answer e-mail while listening to the twins flush the toilet, it was time to get Becks. Put the twins in the stroller and head to school. The walk to school is just shy of a mile and goes through two parks. Needless to say the twins have a hard time walking through a park and not stopping.
Get to school and Beck's teacher is looking for me, the kind of look like "you are failing as a parent". She means to tell me that he needs to work a little harder in class. Even at 37 you don't want to be on the teachers bad side. Pick up my wounded parental pride and haul these kids to the park to burn some energy. 30 minutes of Becks riding his bike in a circle around the park and the twins climbing up and down the slide does the trick. One would think doing the same thing over and over for 30 minutes is boring, one would be wrong.
Back at the house its time for lunch. Here is where I flex my cooking skills and open a lunchable! Boom! I would have gladly cooked but they don't really care. I tried to work again during the hour and half between Beck's pickup and Carsons' but 3 little screamers made it even harder to focus. Especially cause Becks brings out the destructive force in the twins, like a mayhem multiplier.
OK. 2:20. Time to go get Carson. Same as last time, load up the twins, grab Beck's scooter and hit the road for our walk. Really tough to get through those parks now. "Down... down... slide... slide". The park moms are noticing me. I get the look from them where they don't know if they should smile at me or call the police or child welfare. Yes... I am aware the twins have taken off their shoes and socks. No... I am not going to do anything about it.
Here we are at school, last pickup for the day. Carson's teacher gives me the opposite look. "Such a good parent!". Amazing the difference in opinion when one kid is good in school and the other is struggling. Back to the parks.
An exact repeat of 2 hours ago, only with on more kid riding his scooter in a circle. A mom approaches me and introduces herself. In California having 4 kids is borderline cult. I should start carrying around pamphlets full of just crazy end of the world gibberish and give them to people who ask me about 4 kids. And Yes... I do have my hands full! Thank you for pointing that out to me.
Back home, now to do home work and try to squeeze in a little more office work before I get fired. If I get fired I am opening a restaurant with a gym in the back. It will be like a positive feedback loop. Workout, get hungry, eat, feel fat, workout, repeat...!
Sorry back to topic...
Dinner time... I really felt like I excelled at dinner. I cooked them a meal each night (save for one trip to McD), I really cooked. I enjoy cooking, I just don't enjoy clean up. Anyhow. We made pasta, pizza, pasta, bacon. This family eats a lot of bacon. Dinner was the messiest time of the day. You have to cook two meals for the twins (one to eat and one to destroy). After dinner there was a little time to play and then it was off to bath.
Bath time is 70% fun and 30% throwing water out of the bath on the floor. The twins could have kept the Titanic from sinking they bail water so fast.
Bath is over and now its time to watch a little TV and then off to bed. TV time is as much about me turning the TV back on when the twins turn it off and laugh as it is about actually winding down. They take such pleasure in driving me nuts. But after one last change of atomic doodie we can head to bed. Bed time is getting so much easier now. I have to make 8 trips back up stairs to tell the twins to get in their beds and to tell the boys to shut-up, but seeing as how the rest of my day went that was pretty good.
It is now 8:30, twins are in their room, the boys are watching a show in their bed. I am left to clean up the fallout. It looks like a bomb went off in the living room. Toys are broken, dismantled, and strewn about, it looks more like modern art than a place to sit. I clean, I clean, I clean. Reset the room. If you have ever watched 50 First Dates, there is a scene where they reset the day after Drew Barrymore's character goes to bed. That is every day in Daddy Day Care.
It is now 9:30. Time to watch a little Adult Swim on Cartoon Network and pass-out. Its gonna be a long day tomorrow.
- Eric
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