So I know this is starting to get boring but the weather is here is awesome. Its 70 everyday, and CA is in the middle of a drought which is killing the agriculture but screw farming, I love it. There is no rain, the sky is blue, the breeze is calm, and the sun is burning. I think I might actually have some form of a tan. Maybe I can turn back into a Tanican American, like 15-20 year old Eric. Those were the days. During the summer I would get so tan I would take on a new ethnicity cause white don't bronze like that homie!
Anyhow... We tried a Stary Family staple, which is to give Cyndi the day off on Saturday. It helps to keep her sane (at least saner), after all spending all of your time with 4 snot monsters is the number 3 cause of insanity in adults (right behind schizophrenia and viagra overdoses). So... the wife went to a thing in San Jose and I spent the day with the kids. Now this is different than previous attempts at Daddy Day Care. There is no gated off play room, there is no wide open front yard to run in, there is no gated back yard for the dogs, there is no screened in porch, there is just me and some leashes.
We started out the day at the park. Its close (almost across the street), its big and open and fenced in, so it was a perfect place to have my first mini-breakdown. The problem was I tried to take the kids and the dogs. So I had 6 little turd factories going in 6 different directions and apparently my voice is inaudible in the park, that is the only way to explain how little anyone was listening. One twin is literally diving into bushes, the other twin is 100 feet away and has climbed up into the playset, one big kid is 200 feet away playing with a water fountain, the other big kid has run off to the basketball court at the other end of the park. It is at this moment when my attention is the most divided that my dogs decide is the best time to take their morning dump. And for some reason my dogs feel the best place to do this is not in the grass or the bushes but rather the mother flipping center of the play area for the kids.
Well... I need to clean this mess up before one of the twins pays tennis with it, so I go to the opposite end of the park to get the clean up supplies. As I do this a signal goes off in the twins heads... NOW... RUN IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS AND HEAD FOR THE STREET NOW! I am now sprinting through the park with two dogs on leashes tangled around my feet, a bag full of doggie doo, screaming at the big kids to corral their brothers (which of course they only hear me when I go full on hulk monster).
OK. That failed but no worries, all kids are still accounted for. So we head back to the condo, drop off the dogs (which proceed to yelp at the door every single waking second we are not with them - the neighbors love us), and head to the beach. New place, same problems. I can't keep the twins in the same zip code. I run to collect one and the other has darted off in another direction. Becks is busy crashing his bike (he keeps trying to ride on the beach regardless of how many times he crashes and how many times I tell him he can not ride on the beach), and Carson is busy chasing which ever twin I don't have at the moment. After 30 minutes of this nonsense, I just blew up in front of everybody at the beach (nice Clark... real nice). Threw the kids in the stroller and went back home.
Two parks = two fails. So... what else do we want to do today. I thought maybe we could go for a drive. Piled up in the van and headed out to the ATM, I didn't want to get stuck at a toll without cash. Well... I have completely forgotten my PIN (still can't remember it). I tried a few numbers to no luck. So fail #3. Silver lining to the ATM trip is that both twins fell asleep, so I just drove around town until they woke up. No sense waking the sleeping baby, right?
OK, so now we are back home. Let's just play outside, what can go wrong there. Let me tell you friend, the same exact stuff is gonna go wrong. Its like watching a bad sequel, the location may have changed but its the same damn movie. Sure enough, within ten minutes the twins are running in opposite directions again. This time they are doing it on a sidewalk, so every time they bite the dust you are waiting for tears. This little party comes to a close when Becks whacks his head on the wall of the house, that kid could hurt himself in a room full of pillows. This time I just said screw it, we are going inside and we are staying put.
I ordered pizza, what could go wrong there. Plenty. It took 90 minutes to get here (the store is only 2 miles away) and when it showed up it was terrible. I never ate Pizza Hut back home and now I remember why, because its terrible. This brings my fail count to 5, and 5 is my physical limit. I just shut her down. From that point on I didn't even try. Kids were hungry, fine, if you can reach it you can eat it. Kids start to fight, fine, if you win the fight you get the toy. I got out the vacuum, the steam mop, pots and pans, and every other non-toy which slightly entertains them. I was done.
The night was brought to a merciful end when Cyndi came home. The good thing about me is that I have ZERO short-term memory, seriously I have already forgotten what I am doing. So come next weekend, I will be ready to fail again.
Thanks... I hope you are not buried in snow and that your tushy is nice and warm.
- Eric
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