Epilogue Part 2 - 1 Year

It has been a year. A year without my wife. A year without my kid's mother. A year without my best friend. A year without hearing her voice, kissing her face, holding her hand. A year without watching Hallmark movies. A year without sitting by her at the pool. A year without the thought of our future together. A year without her parenting the shit out of these kids. A year without seeing her hug my kids, calm their nerves, feed their bellies. 

It has been a very tough year.

This is my first experience with any real hardship. Certainly, my first experience with grief and loss. I have learned a lot over this last year. A lot about myself. A lot about my kids. A lot about other people, some good and some not-so-good.

Let's begin with the sad stuff, so we can get that out of the way. For the most part we are getting by really well by this point. As I have said numerous times over the last few months, I usually don't have sad "days". I am generally happy, but life is full of sad little moments. Today, for example, I noticed her mark on our sign we used to measure the growth of the kids. Right there at 5 feet and 4 inches above the ground is a little heart drawn with sharpie next to the word "Mom". The sign sits right outside my office door. I look at it all the time, but for some reason today it just hit a little harder. I leaned my head up against the fabric, as if I were leaning on her head. I hugged the wall as if she were there to hug me back. I spent a minute or two in sadness, and I went back to my office to keep working. These e-mails aren't going to compose themselves.

Cyndi's marker was placed in the cemetery just before Christmas. I stopped by to see her and check the stone. It was much sadder looking at the space and seeing her name carved into marble than it was looking at the space without the marker, as if it were somehow more final. I only stayed a few minutes. I caught her up on my life and the kids, I apologized for my some of my behavior, I kissed the marker, and told her I loved her. I had to get back to the house, that laundry isn't going to fold itself.

OK. Enough sad.

The kids still seem to be good. Carson continues to be in too many clubs, and keeps getting straight A's. He seems happier during the school year when he is with his school friends all the time than during the summer. He works so hard. Beckham is just starting year 2 of high school football, at least offseason training. He continues to exceed expectations in school. It is especially amazing considering his limitations and disdain for school. Grant has really started to come out of his shell, both emotionally and intellectually. He is proving to be a good student in his own right and he is so funny. And Gabe is doing great too. I had a call with his teachers last week and they all had such nice things to say about him. They helped reassure me that he is doing OK at school, when they are out of my sight. He just finished two 1000 piece Lego cars.

I feel like a taxi service driving back and forth from school to school to store to where ever else I said I would go. I feel like the worst cook in the history of humanity. Tonight I made 6 dinners, 6! There is only 5 of us, but sometimes the tacos are too meaty or the noodles are too noodly. I feel like a terrible parent when I order too much pizza or too much takeout. I try to make healthy food, but these kids only eat carbs and cheese. I feel like a piece of shit when I get angry at the kids, even if it is warranted, I still feel terrible. I have little moments where I feel like the stress is building up so high, I am going to pop.

I am proud of us too. I am proud of how we keep battling to get our lives back. I am proud of the fact that we do nearly all of this on our own. I am proud of the fact that I got her book published. I am proud of the fact that we have only been late to school once. I am proud of the fact that my kids are in therapy. I am proud of the fact that I did all the Christmas shopping this year. I am proud of the fact that I raised over $5000 for LLS last year. I am proud of the fact that I have gone on a date. I am proud of these tattoos and the time I have spent in the gym this year, my mental and physical therapy.

I don't want to make an "anniversary" out of Jan 10. I want this date to fade into memory like an arbitrary Tuesday. I won't make a habit out of recognizing it. I will choose to honor and celebrate her on our wedding anniversary, Jan 29. But I wanted to acknowledge this milestone, if nothing more than to note that we made it through this year. We got through all the "firsts", the "nexts" will probably be just as hard though.

Some of you have been so kind to me, to us this past year. Some of you have helped me through some very dark days. You probably didn't know it, but that text or message might have been the thing that got me through a day. Thank you, to all those who put themselves out there to check on me, to check on us. Thank you for the stories, the pictures, the videos, the smiles you shared with me. It has meant so much to me.

Thank you for loving her too. Thank you for continuing to think of her. From time to time, I want you to raise a sangria to the sky and thank the Universe for putting her in your life.

I love you guys. We will be here if you need us, kicking the shit out of tomorrow and the next day. 

Let us know if I can help you in anyway. #ForCyndi

- Eric

#ForCyndi

 I don't have the ability to sculpt. I can't paint a picture or even draw for that matter. I do not possess the talents to write a song, a sonnet, or even a lullaby. But I do have the ability to write. So I made this for her. This is my sculpture, my painting, my song to her.

Outside of my family this is the best thing I have ever done, and its the best thing I will ever do.

I hope it lets those of you who knew her have some comfort to know just how much I loved her. And those of you who didn't have the pleasure of knowing her can get to feel her radiance, even if just a little bit of it.
Please feel free to share.

#ForCyndi

CLICK HERE TO ORDER THE BOOK

Epilogue (July 10, 2022)

Today is six months since Cyndi's passing. Not a day goes by where I don't spare her a thought. Most days I still shed a few tears. Every now and then, I have a full on breakdown.

But the days get better all of the time. This is my first experience with any sort of real loss, so I don't know if am doing a good job of navigating this or not but I know that I wake up each morning and face each day as best I can.

I thought I would spend a few moments and write out some thoughts and feelings about how this process has gone so far. What I think about it, how I feel. How life seems to be going as both a means to further help me heal and a mechanism to share.

The Kids:

I guess the biggest piece of all this has to be the kids. In fairness to them, it is very difficult to tell how they are dealing with all this but they seem to be doing well. It is easier for them to talk about her than it is for me. They constantly say "Mom would do this" or "Mom would do that", usually as a means to insult my cooking. But, they are able to talk directly about memories or feelings that would otherwise make me cry. I love that they are able to do that. I try to talk about her as often as I can but sometimes it just gets emotional. Twice on this weekend someone has asked if I was single or married, in front of the kids. I said "single" both times, and both times I wanted to reach across the counter and slap the person who just asked. Like does it fucking matter if I am single or married for my goddamned Hilton points!!!

The big kids had the hardest time with all of this emotionally at first. Being a little older, I am sure it hit just a little bit harder. Carson is as level as ever, that kid rarely goes up or down. He is sweet though, not a typical 15 year old boy. On a long drive at a truck stop gas station he asked me to buy him a Winnie the Pooh stuffy, which of course I did. He will occasionally do these deeply sweet things that express a deep emotional connection with his Mom. Little things like the way he folds the blanket we made of her shirts, or he draws hearts on our calendar for dates of emotional significance. Later this month, I am taking him and a friend to NYC to see his favorite artist in concert (Mitski). It will be a great chance for me to see him in his element without his brothers.

Becks is my typical 14 year old kid. I am super excited that he is playing football again, not just because I like football but because at 45 I am still thankful for what football did for me as a high school kid and I hope it does the same for him. He is a very emotional kid, and the kid who is most like me. His attitude and actions remind me of 14 year old Eric. He seemed to have a very hard time right after his Mom's passing. I didn't know how to best help him, but he mentions her the most now out of all the kids. He talks about her with such fondness. I love that. He has the strongest friend network of the boys, and I think that helps him. Although, I could do with a little less of his gaming. 

Grant is unique animal, I see these little bits of both Cyndi and I in him. He is thoughtful and sweet and funny. He has a go with the flow mentality that screams of his Mother, and then just like his Mother there are certain things that HAVE to be a certain way. His personality is the perfect compliment to his twin, who wants everything his way. I was amazed at how the twins dealt with all of this, I can't imagine what this all must have been like for them. Having to see her get sick, going to see her in the hospital. Can a kid understand what is happening around them in all that shit?  

Gabe has been the most challenging of all the kids. He is not only physically the youngest (by a minute) but he is emotionally the youngest. He has anxiety and some odd ticks when it comes to physical feel and eating that stress me out. Grant has many of them too, but his are more straight forward and easier to overcome. Parenting the twins are where I miss Cyndi's guidance and calming influence the most. She had a way of dealing with the kids that I just can't quite replicate, and sometimes my frustration boils over and I yell about the damn grilled cheese or the fact they are terrified of flying insects. But I will admit, I calm down much faster. I get back to center, I apologize to whoever got yelled at, and I try to talk it out. She must be working hard on my shoulder.

All in all, I am really confident that the kids are going to be OK.  Not just OK, they are going to be exceptional. We have some work to do, but we are fine to do it.

Me:

I am doing OK too.  Really, I am. The biggest "problem" I guess is that I get lonely sometimes. But I don't really want do anything about it, I just want to be alone in that feeling. I know that may sound odd, but it is how I want to process it. I am never really alone, I am surrounded by the kids, family, friends, neighbors, and even a sometimes sweet cat. But there are times, moments, when you look at that spot on the couch or the passenger seat of the car and it "looks" empty. Not just like no one is there, but that something specifically is missing. It is a deep emotional feeling of loss, like a blackhole of happiness. But, I think that is OK. Its a way for me to acknowledge what I have lost, to get lost in those feelings, even if only a second or two.  Then I smack myself in the face, say some Batman type shit, and get back in the game. Really... I do that all of the time.

I don't feel like I am married anymore. I am also 100% aware of those around me that loved Cyndi too, and I don't want any of them to feel like I am being disrespectful to her memory or my feelings about them. If I say that out loud, people will say stuff like "that is not your concern", but let me tell you.  IT IS! Her legacy, her memory, her honor is a guiding light in my existence. I will go way out of the way to make sure that I am respectful of that. At the same time, I am aware that I am 45 years old. I am aware in perhaps a deeper way than most can understand, that life is short, and I will not dwell in loss and loneliness. 

The first few days and weeks, after I lost her, all I could do was envision this sad old lonely Eric. Dying alone in a hospital bed with no one there to hold my hand. But I don't have those thoughts anymore. I will get married again down the road, and that will be one lucky lady! I am a motherfucking catch, if I don't say so myself. 

This whole thing has narrowed my focus a bit too, which is good. I am now painfully aware of what matters to me and what does not. I am not going to spend any of my remaining time left on the shit that does not matter to me. I am going to take care of my family, my people, and myself in that order and I am going to watch the rest of it burn and I will smile while I watch it.

If you read this, thanks for taking the time. I will try to write more. I have wanted to put so much out there but I was just too emotional about it, and I was worried about hurting other people's feelings. Good news is I have gotten past most of that.  :)  

If you need anything, I am around. 

Know that we are OK, and we will continue to be OK, and I will protect her memory and her kids with everything that I have.

- Eric